i miss her man. now i know what the fuck i lost. i mean its motivating me, but damn i cant. voices in my head is telling to try. but she not even replying to my text messages dawgs. hm. i’ll be aite

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APE92 . Like these cliche fuckers, I have to promote shit on tumblr -_-

I wonder how many times it takes some people to tell someone they’re happy or fine before they actually believe their own lies.

I’m tired, but I was in a jotting-things-down kind of mood.

So, I’ve been thinking about the people I deal with on a regular basis, which really means the people I don’t deal with on a regular basis because clearly times have changed and I don’t speak with them or meet with them as much as I did in the past.

Times have changed, and distance has come between us.

How I feel about these people stems from how I feel about myself or rather what I think about myself, I think. 

See, at the end of the day, I’m a mess. I can admit that now. I’m not crazy, or at least I don’t think I am. I just, there’s all these pieces of me I’ve juggled am juggling.

At first, I wanted to do things my way, which was being happy, being open and honest, moving forward. And I think that was all about being young. Which begs the question, can I be that way anymore or would I be childish for being that way?

But then I felt like I learned what I was supposed to do. My mistake: I kept showing all my cards, and to play the game called life and be in any way successful in it, you have to have a good poker face. People can’t know who you are or what you feel, and you have to be several steps ahead of them.

I’ve always done things to be a good Christian, but I don’t think it worked for me. I don’t think I’m good at it. I don’t think I’m good at it because my heart isn’t genuine anymore, which in turn kind of affected how I interact with the world.

I don’t like to be around people, but I want the people I am around to like me and think I’m a good, decent person. But at  the end of the day, I don’t know that person.

I don’t know a lot of things. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to get answers to questions about me from other people, from God too. But I got tired, worn out, sad, depressed even.

So I started pretending. I’m pretending. I still pretend.

But for good reason, right? For protection. Because false hope, false love, falseness in general is better than dealing with consequences or whatever other alternatives life can through at you.

Life is dangerous.

Don’t say too little. Don’t say too much.

Be honest, but not too honest.

Unconditional love…but not really.

I think I lie to myself a lot to keep the wheels moving, so I won’t be tied down like other people.

Wanting things you can’t have. Wanting things you don’t need. Wanting things that may not be in your life’s plan.

What’s left at the end? At my end, what’s left is writing. But Love and Hate too.

I LOVE so many people in my life, but I HATE them too. I want them to know it. I love them because I’m supposed to love them. I love them because I’m supposed to feel something. But sometimes, I don’t think I feel anything. The hate. Oh, it stems from them telling me what I’m supposed to be or supposed to do.

But somethings are necessary, somethings are better left unsaid. Everyone has secrets, flaws, weaknesses.

But not everybody cares. But not everybody has regrets either.

At the end, I’m not really living. I’m not really happy. I’m enduring. But I’m not sad about that. I just want to say I’m enduring because I believe. What do I believe in? That’s a loaded question. But at the end, I believe in something going right, figuring out some answers, meeting someone I can believe in.

Death is my greatest fear. My greatest fear is death. Or possibly, the how. Because I don’t know what lies after death, but how I might come to my end, is a frightening notion.

But you’re not supposed to think about those things. People might think you’re nuts, crazy. They might think you need help. Best to ignore it, sweep things under the rug. But continue.

Endure. Each day, a new day, to do things differently. Better, Worse. Whatever. That might make a difference if I believe it does.

Hmm

I always wanted to be in a band, so uhm thats why i named myself relly & friends lol, but uh yeah . im going to work on this, time to study !